Jokes

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary, to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for that faucet?'"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300.'"

"My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet.'"

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot .

Jimmy was sitting on the fence very near a railroad track. His mother saw him and yelled, "Jimmy! Get down from there right now! A train could come along and suck you off!"

Jimmy started to whisper softly, "Come on, train. Come on, train!"

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, "Yellow, this is Mujibar.''

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems

No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS. "

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone ."

That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order"

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch!

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,"Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."