Jokes

Three explorers, Tom, Dick, and Luigi, were captured by cannibals in the darkest jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief told them, "Pass the tribal test and you live. Fail and you die. Each of you must go into the jungle and bring back ten pieces of the same fruit." Doesn't sound that tough, does it? Our three heroes race off. Within five minutes, explorer number one returned with ten bananas. The Chief smiled. "Now for the second part of the test. You must insert all ten into your anus without changing your facial expression." One banana wasn't bad, but two was, and the third banana made Tom wince in pain. He was immediately killed. Dick returned with ten berries. The chief explained the rest of the trial to him. "Now insert all ten into your anus without changing your facial expression." Dick thought that didn't sound too tough: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8… and he burst out laughing! He was immediately killed. Tom was waiting outside the Pearly Gates when Dick arrived. "Dick! What happened? Why did you laugh? You almost had it!" And Dick replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw that damn fool Luigi run in carrying an armload of pineapples!"

A traveling salesman ran out of gas near a farmhouse. Knocking on the door, he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm out of gas," said the man. "Have no gas," said the Chinese man, "but I can take you to town in the morning. You can spend the night here on one condition: if you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three Chinese tortures." "Fair enough," said the salesman, assuming the daughter must be pretty old too. But down the stairs came a beautiful young woman with deep dark eyes, long black hair and a perfect body. They were instantly and obviously attracted to each other. During dinner, they couldn't keep their eyes off each other. But he remembered the old man's warning, tried his best to ignore her, and went to bed alone. During the night, she barely waited until her father was asleep before she sneaked into his room where they shared a night of passionate, but very quiet, lovemaking. Near dawn she crept back to her room, leaving our salesman exhausted, but happy. He woke to a great pressure on his chest. He opened his eyes and saw a large rock with a note that read, "Chinese Torture #1: Large rock on chest." "Big deal," he thought. "That's a famous torture? I guess I didn't have to worry at all." He grabbed the boulder and threw it out the window. As he did, he noticed another note that read: "Chinese Torture #2: Rock tied to left testicle." Looking down, he saw the rope was already running out. Figuring that some broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out the window after the boulder. As he plummeted down, he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture #3: Right testicle tied to bedpost!"

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

and THE best one ...

11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there

A twelve year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection. A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who's lying on the ground in a pool of blood.

She gently cradles the boy's head in her arms and whispers, "Do you need a priest?"

The boy moans, "How you can think of sex at a time like this?"

A man entered his office wearing a bright pink suit with ruffles and fringe. His boss asked, "What in the hell are you doing in that get-up?" He replied, "It's my wife's fault; I asked her to go to Cox's men's store and buy me a seersucker suit, but she went to Sears...."

Amanpreet and Jon are out drinking at the bar late one night.

Preet says, "Well, bud, I guess I better be moseying on home."

"Yo man," Jon said, "what's your rush? Little woman got you by the short hairs on a short leash?"

"Fuck no," Amanpreet retorted, "I'm the boss in my house." Then he said softly, "But Judi's the Director of Pussy . . . "

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue! -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.

She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge.'"

Mother: " What seems to be the problem with you? You have beenmarried three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now. "
Daughter: "I just don't know, Mom! Billy triesall the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing."

A salesman was driving along a lonely stretch of Interstate 95 in a heavy rainstorm, when he spied a hitchhiker. He stopped and picked him up. As they proceeded on their way, the salesman explained that he very rarely picked up a hitchhiker, but the storm was so bad he just had to stop for this man.

The hitchhiker then asked why the salesman did not make it a practice to pick up people on the road. The salesman said, "Well, I used to, until one day when my wife and I picked up a hitchhiker who pulled a gun on us, took our money and clothes, and made my wife get in the back seat and suck him off."

"Well, darling,," came the effeminate voice of the hitchhiker, as he pulled his gun, "this just isn't your day."

Simple Rules Gals Don't Know

1. Nothing says "I Love You," quite like a blowjob in the morning.

2. He's NEVER thinking about "The Relationship."

3. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

4. Share the bathroom.

5. Share the closet.

6. Nothing says "I Love You," quite like a blowjob in the morning.

An elderly woman wobbled her way into a sex shop, approached the counter and, holding on to it for support, she asked the clerk, "Dddooo youuuu ssssssell dddddiilllldosss?" Trying hard not to break out laughing, the clerk replied, "Yes, ma'am, we do. Actually we have quite a variety of different models." She asked, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?" The clerk responds, "Yes, we do." "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe fffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

A woman told her tattoo artist she wanted two tattoos: a turkey on the inside of her right thigh and a Christmas tree on the inside of her left thigh. "Okay," said the tattoo artist, "But why those pictures in those places?" She replied, "Because my boyfriend always complains that there's never anything to eat between the holidays!"

I recently got a new phone and it came with 3 way conference call capabilities. I wanted to speak to two of my friends at the same time but I just couldn't figure out how to accomplish that. I called one of them and asked her how this three way thing worked.

She replied back with, "Well, you have one guy in your front, one guy in the back and the other guy in your mouth."

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew.

The brunette's word was quizzical.

The redhead's word was photosynthesis.

The blonde's word was dick.

Little Johnny's beautiful young fourth-grade teacher asked him, "John, why are your grades slipping?" Little Johnny replied, "Because I'm in love!" "Really? With whom?" "With you," he said. "But, John," she said with a warm smile, "that's impossible. I am looking for a boyfriend, yes, but certainly not a child!" "Well," said Little Johnny, "then I'll use a condom!"

Little Johnny was all out of sorts one morning. When his father asked him what the problem was the kid said, "I'm mad at mommy, cause she eats birds."

His father said he didn't know what Little Johnny was talking about.

Little Johnny replied, "I was up late last night and heard noises coming from your bedroom. When I listened at your door, I heard mom say, 'should I swallow it or let it fly'!"

One evening after a few drinks at the local tavern, two buddies named Kirk and Bernie started discussing their wives. Quickly the conversation moved on to orgasms.

Bernie asked Kirk, "Did you know that there are four different types of orgasms?"

Kirk replied, "Really? I had no idea. What are they?"

Bernie answered, "Well, they are the Positive, Negative, Religious, and the Fake."

"What's the difference? asked Kirk.

Bernie replied, "The Positive goes, 'Oh yes! Ooh yes!' The Negative goes, 'Oh no! Oh no!' The Religious goes, 'Oh God! Oh God!' And, the Fake one goes, 'Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!'"

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the female's skirt.

The blonde realizes he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick two fingers in?"

Shocked, the man replies, "Fucking hell! Can it whistle as well?!"

"All right, class. I want you to each make up a sentence using the word, 'fascinate.' Molly? Let's hear yours." Molly said, "We went to granddad's farm and it was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, Molly, but I asked you to use the word 'fascinate.' Sally? How about you?" Sally said, "My family went to Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good too, but I want the word 'fascinate.'" Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was infamous for his bad language but she decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Little Johnny said, "My aunt's sweater has nine buttons, but her tits are so big that she can only fascinate!"

An old widow was starting to get lonely and sick of life by herself she decided to send in an advertisement to find a new partner, she wrote in, "Must never run away from me, beat me and has to be good in bed, all applicants to meet in person."

The next day, there was a knock at the door, when she opened the door there was a guy in a wheel chair who had no arms or legs.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Yea, I read your ad and here I am, your dream man," he said confidently.

"But you have no legs" she said concerned.

"That's no problem, I won't run away will I?" he said.

"Well you don't have any arms either," She continued.

"Then I can't beat you, can I?" he said.

"Well, are you good in bed?" she asked

With that he gave a cheesy grin and said, "Well I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

F'cked in the Head

I usually don't post links, but Alanna sent wyldrob & I this link about people writing their pre-adult sex misconceptions. It's funny as hell. Go here to read it.

A farmer hires Little Johnny one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Little Johnny, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you."

Little Johnny says, "Right on, thanks a lot man!"

So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkin' going on."

Little Johnny says, "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine."

And the farmer adds, "There is also going to be a lot of fightin' so I hope you are ready."

Little Johnny responds, "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape."

"One more thing," says the farmer. "Did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?"

"Far out!" says Little Johnny. "I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?"

The farmer says, "I don't care,... it's just going to be the two of us."

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."

So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said...

"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."

Little Johnny was squirming around in his seat, scratching his crotch and not paying attention to his teacher, so she went back and asked him what was the matter. He replied that he had poison ivy down there and it was very itchy. She sent him to the principal's office to phone his mother. He did and then returned to class, only to create even more of a commotion. She investigated and found Little Johnny sitting there with his penis hanging out of his zipper. "I thought I told you to phone your mother," she said in a stern voice. "I did," he replied, "and she told me that if I just could stick it out till noon, she'd pick me up then!"

Halfway through the movie, a blonde whispered to her boyfriend, "Honey, the man on the other side of me is masturbating." Her boyfriend replied, "Just ignore him." The blonde said, "I can't. He's using my hand!"

A recently-divorced man went to a party and found himself smack in front of his ex-wife's new husband. Having had more than a few drinks, he said in a condescending tone, "So? How do you like 'second hand merchandise?'" The other man smiled. "Not bad at all. Everything after the first few inches is brand new!"

Looking for a little variety in his sex life, the husband bought a computer and started exploring the Internet. He stumbled onto IRC chat and next thing ya know, he was heavily into NetSex. Well, one late-nite session was going really hot and heavy, but for some reason the one partner stopping typing.

Thinking that his hot lil' number had been disconnected, the man typed: "Are you still there?"

The reply appeared back on his screen: "Wait a minute, my Mommy just came into the room."

John went to a bar, and having a little itch he was wanting soothed, started hitting on Marcia. The evening progressed and soon John realized Marcia was as horny as he was. They ended up getting a hotel room. They strip butt naked, get in the bed and he slides his tool inside. John tells Marcia, "Oh honey, I know we didn't get much foreplay before we started. You seem a wee bit dry to me."

Marcia gets up and goes to the bathroom. She returns shortly and they proceed to go at it again. John slides in and says, "OOOHHH Baby! That's more like it! All nice and warm and juiced up, ready for Johnny's toy. Did you use some Vaseline?"

"No" she replied, "I just picked out the scabs."

Little Jimmy's mother was cooking dinner in the kitchen when Jimmy comes running in, all excited.

"Mommy, Mommy, Granny's got a shrimp!"

"What do you mean?"

"Granny's got a shrimp! A shrimp! Come in the living room and see!"

So, Jimmy tugs his mom into the living room and there's Granny sprawled naked on the couch.

"See? See?" Jimmy points, "See? Granny has a shrimp!"

"Uhh, no, son, that's her, uhhh, clit."

"Are you sure? It sure TASTED like shrimp . . . "

When I was a kid, our family was so poor that on several Christmases we traded back and forth presents we're received in previous years. But when I was fifteen, I grew bold and asked my parents for something different, I said, "I wanna watch." ...So they let me!

A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?"

Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob."

So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.

"Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries.

"Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight."

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.

As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard-on.

Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"

Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.

She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away."

Two women sat talking on a park bench. The brunette said, "My boyfriend used to have dandruff, but then I gave him Head and Shoulders." The blonde looked puzzled. "How do you give a man 'shoulders'?"

A beautiful executive assistant to a bank president got talked into escorting a rich foreign client out for a night on the town. The client was smitten and, before the night was over, asked her to marry him. She was taken aback, but remembering that her boss had told her this was his most important client, replied, "Well, I guess I could marry you, but only if you gave me a diamond ring that's at least 25 carats." He didn't hesitate, just nodded and said, "No problem! I buy. I buy." Now what would she do? So she added, "And a 100-room mansion in Manhattan and a chateau in France." Again, he didn't hesitate, just nodded and said, "No problem! I build. I build." Oops. She'd better make the next one really big. "And, since I love hot sex, the man I marry must have a 12-inch penis!" His faced dropped; he looked disturbed. He cupped his face in his hands and muttered to himself. Then, finally, with a sad look on his face, he nodded again and said, "Okay. I cut. I cut."

At dinner one night, my sister's kids asked, "Daddy, why do you call Mommy honey?"

"Mommy is my honey," he said (rather sappily, but that's the kind of guy he is). The kids picked up the metaphor and innocently ran with it. "Mommy's your honey! You spread her and eat her!"

My sister and her husband were unable to look at each other for the duration of the meal, lest they crack up and then have to explain why.

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a man with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in... Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex like great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try them on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seenin many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs.

The Indian then began screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!

Q: Why do women always go to the bathroom right after sex?

A: They can't teach their pussies to spit.

A Letter to Santa (from Little Johnny)

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the neighborhood who behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors. I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!

What balls you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a lame ass whistle and a pair of socks! What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch? That you'd taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the damn tree?

As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many fucking toys, that he can't even walk into his damn house! Please don't let me see you trying to fit your huge ass down my chimney next year! I'll fuck you up! I'll throw rocks at those corny ass reindeers of yours and scare them the fuck away, so you'll have to walk your big fat ass back to the north pole, just like I have to do since you didn't get me that fucking bike, you punk bastard!! You know what Santa, Fuck You!! Next year you'll find out how bad I can really fucking be!

So watch your back next year, Beeyaaaaatch!!!!

Sincerely,
Johnny

Santa's Response To Little Johnny's After Christmas Letter (by Lee Bradley)

Dear Johnny,

I know WHO you are, and I KNOW where you live you little shit! You can't talk to SANTA like that and get away with it!

If you don't like the yo-yo, which is a classic toy, by the way, then you can just cram it up your little ass! As for the whistle you didn't care for - I got your whistle right here!!! Come blow on this! And the socks...well, I figured you are big enough to be whacking off, and those socks would have come in handy and been handy to ... well, even you should get the picture!

And... that little "faggot" across the street, you'll be happy to know that he's already got pubic hair and his whang is TWICE as long as yours. Besides, his parents think YOU're the fag - always
moanin' and whinin'.

Don't worry about gathering up rocks for my visit to your house next year, 'cause I ain't coming down your chimney ever again. If you find any pennies this year, you had better stop and pick them up, 'cause that's about all you're going to get for Christmas. Your mom and dad are doing to be killed in a car crash, and you'll be stuck in an orphanage before Thanksgiving.

Bad? You want BAD? I'll show you who's bad!

Affectionally, Adieu,

Santa

Maw ordered Paw to "get out there and fix that outhouse!" Paw checked out the outhouse and said, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!" Maw said, "Oh, yes there is! Stick your head down in the hole." Paw did and hollered, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!" Maw said, "Now pull your head out of the hole." Paw lifted up his head and he cried, "Oww! Maw! Muh beard's stuck in them cracks in the seat!" Maw said, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

* Talk about a huge breast!
* Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist
* Whew, that's one terrific spread!
* Are you ready for seconds yet?
* It's cool whip time!
* If I don't undo my pants, I will burst
* I'm in the mood for a little dark meat
* It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
* Just wait your turn, you'll get some
* Don't play with your meat
* Spread the legs open and shove it in
* I didn't expect everyone to come at once
* You still have a little bit on your chin
* Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it
* How long will it take after you put it in?
* You'll know it's ready when it pops up
* Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
* How many are coming?
* That's the biggest one I've ever seen
* Just lay back and take it easy, I'll do the rest
* How long do I beat it before it's ready?

A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.

"What's wrong, miss? Are you OK?" he asked.

Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it?"

The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow!"

She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her-they didn't even know each others names-but hey, when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your cock, like you're really going to say, no don't suck it.

He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it?"

He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great...but I'm just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock??"

She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to."

Now he's confused. "What I told you to?"

Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already...You said, 'Make a wish and blow!'"

Bob was driving home after a day at the construction site; over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph.

Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good look at the young bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob said, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a cunt stretcher," replied Bob.

"What you say, BOY?!!" asked the patrolman. "A cunt stretcher."

Of course the cop asked, "What's a cunt stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot cunt?"

Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

Two priests headed for the showers late one night, but after undressing, they realized there was no soap. Father John volunteered to return to his room to get some, and, since it was so late at night, didn't bother to dress. He grabbed two bars, but halfway back to the shower, heard some nuns coming around a corner. With nowhere to hide, he ducked into a niche and stood absolutely still, posing like a statue. The three nuns stopped and commented on how lifelike this new sculpture looked. One tentatively reached over and pulled on the "sculpture's" penis. Startled, Father John dropped a bar of soap. "Look," said the nun. "It's not just a sculpture, it's a soap dispenser!" To test her theory, the second nun pulled next. Playing along, Father John dropped the other bar of soap. Now the third nun wanted a turn. She pulled several times but nothing happened, so she kept pulling until she suddenly shouted, "Saints be praised, girls! It also dispenses hand lotion!"

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.

One of them said, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed?" asked Ben.

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

Ben went home to the farm and decided to try it. He grabbed a cow, dipped his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all around the bull's nose.

The bull got a rip roaring boner and immediately jumped on the cow.

Ben was impressed. That night, he got into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lay sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it was nice and wet, rubbed it all around his nose and got a rip roaring hard on.

He quickly shook his wife awake and cried out, "Honey, look!"

She rolled over, turned on the light and said, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"

Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Teacher smiles and says "Wow, Little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank."

An attractive woman of a certain age lusted after the well-built teenage bag boy at the local supermarket. As he carried her groceries to her car, she quietly said to him, "Young man, I have an itchy pussy." He replied, "You'll have to point it out to me lady. All the new Japanese cars look alike to me!"

Wilf had a bad stomach complaint so went to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder!"

The small business owner announced a new contest for its small, all-male sales team. "And whoever gets the most sales wins a free blowjob!" One salesman snickered, "Yeah? And what does the loser get?" "He gets to give it!"

After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bonx New York. Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.

On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."

The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."

The woman is just as confused and says "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.

The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats,

"Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."

The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"

The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.

The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is. The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.

The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.

The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"

Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper.... "Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks.... "

A young native man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I'm tired of handouts, I want a job."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big white Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year."

The native said, "Ah c'mon, you're bullshitting me!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover.

As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.

What a relief!

Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 16-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"

She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen one being reloaded!!

A man came home from work to find his son crying on the front porch. He sat down beside him to console him. "What's wrong, son?" The boy sobbed, "Remember last weekend, when I caught you putting a little brother inside Mommy? Well, this morning I caught the mailman eating him!"

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin.

Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.

You're not.

He has a date coming over today.

But you only have one ass.

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over, looks around, and notices a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly." she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asks.

"No, not at all," she whispers, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he asks, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she says.

"Well who is he then?" demands the bewildered guy.

Calmly the girl replies, "That's me before the surgery."

A guy walked into the bar looking like he'd been run over by a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his clothes torn.

His friends bought him a beer, then asked, "What happened?"

The guy chugged the beer and said, "I was fighting for Joanne's virginity."

"No kidding?"

"Yeah. But that little bitch was determined to keep it."

Amanpreet and Judi had gone on their third date and all Lizard Pecker had received in return for the money he'd spent was a good-night peck at the door.

Tonight, though, Judi had invited Preet inside and, wonder of all, Judi wasn't objecting to his nibbling on her ear, and gently rubbing her legs.

He screwed up his courage and said, "You know, I'd like a little pussy."

She said, "Oh, me too. Mine's as big as a house."

Dad was in the field ploughing when he noticed Mary run into the barn, A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, So Dad decides to see what they are doing. As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town, Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard and picks up a shovel and whacks Bruce on the arse with it. Bruce jumps up and runs outside.

Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty, Dad looked down at her and said, "I didn't think you had it in you Mary."

"Neither did I, dad," said Mary , "until you hit him on the arse with the shovel."

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line.

"How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply."And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs,the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Amanpreet himself unable to satisfy his blonde wife. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to do the job. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was 100% successful.

He says, "Hire a big strong guy to stand near your bed and waving a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. This way your wife will be stimulated and have an orgasm."

The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts were in vain. He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his friend suggested that they switch places.

"Why don't you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed," says the friend. Poor Amanpreet agreed, and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife. He hired the same guy again and this time they traded positions. Naturally, the blonde had a divine orgasm.

The husband leaned over to the strong guy and said, "You see!! That's how you wave the towel!"

The soldiers were tired and lonely after weeks in enemy territory so the Major hired an erotic dancer from a nearby town. During her first number, she stripped down to her bra and g-string. As the dance ended, the soldiers went mad, clapping for five minutes. During her second number, she removed her top. The troops went mad again, clapping for ten minutes. For her third number, she stripped completely naked. The Major waited backstage, fully prepared to have to come onstage to quiet down the ruckus. But after her music ended, there was no applause at all. As she walked backstage, the Major asked, "What happened? Why was there no applause?" She replied with a grin, "Major, do you really expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!"

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They hit it off and Sharon invited him to her place where they had an energetic and passionate session in bed. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both laid back and snuggled. After only moments, Sharon started stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter asked, "Surely you're not ready for more already?" "No," she replied, "but once in a while I get nostalgic for the days when I had mine!"

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent years of his life sentence in prison. While
on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied
the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the
woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to
his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing you on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck... He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: "I got 12 inches over here you would love to have."

The female response was: "Well, spit it out. It isn't yours."

What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius."

The other two were amazed. "Let me try," the Englishman said.

So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius."

At last the Nigerian man said, "Let me have a try."

So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said, "I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep."