Forth Worth's interim school superintendent James M. Bailey, speaking at a city-wide PTA luncheon, assured members that he was always happy to hear from them about problems.
He told them, "You can call me day or night, at this number . . ."
Suddenly there was a cry from assistant superintendent Joe Ross. "Hey," he exclaimed, "that's my number."
Morris, a career shoplifter, was caught red-handed trying to steal a very expensive watch from an exclusive jewelry store on Fifth Avenue in New York. "Listen," said Morris, the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. Morris looked at the price on the sales slip and said, "Hey this is a more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something a little less expensive?"
The woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon."
"Sure it does," he said.
"How else can I see the numbers?"
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be girls.
We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
A well-dressed man and a small boy entered an expensive restaurant and ordered complete meals, from appetizers to dessert. But when the waiter brought the bill, the man reached for his wallet, and said, "I must have left my wallet in the car. Would you watch my son until I return, please?" Half an hour passed, then an hour. It was nearing closing time when the waiter grew impatient and asked the youngster, "Where did your father park his car anyway?" And the boy answered, "I don't know. He's not my father. I was shining shoes in the street when he asked me if I wanted a great meal for free!"
After booking his 90-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, a man called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as he requested a wheelchair because of her arthritis and an attendant for her because of her impaired vision to the point of near blindness. The representative assured him that everything would be handled properly and he had nothing to worry about. He thanked her and was about to hang up, when she cheerfully added, "And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
Didja catch President Bush's recent speech about global warming?
"My fellow Americans. I believe the problem of global warming calls for voluntary action on the part of each and every citizen. I urge you all to carry a lot more sunscreen . . . "
Since I've got finals coming up, here's a little finals humor:
The blonde co-ed showed up for her final exam totally unprepared. Fortunately, it was True/False. Unfortunately, she had no idea which was which. Undaunted, she pulled out a coin and started tossing it, marking "Y" for heads, and "N" for tails. Soon she started erasing and remarking and continued doing so until all the other students had finished and gone. The instructor finally came over to ask what was going on. She replied, "Oh, I finished the exam in a half hour. I'm just rechecking my answers!"
A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"
Little Johnny replied, "Washington DC"
She then asked, "What does the 'DC' stand for?"
Little Johnny added, "Dot com"
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good? Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"
Amanpreet was nothing if not lazy. He never did a lick of work in all his life.
One day he saw Judi, his wife, carrying a heavy basket of laundry up the basement stairs.
"Judi," he shouted, "this has GOT to stop! For years now you've been carrying the clothing up the stairs in that big heavy basket. ENOUGH!"
Judi smiled. "Why, thank you, Preet."
"You're welcome. I want you right now to go into town and get yourself a smaller basket and make two trips from here on out."
A redneck entered a big city bar and ordered a beer. The bartender brought him his beer and set it on a coaster. A few minutes later, the redneck ordered another beer. The bartender started to put down his new beer, but noticed that the coaster had disappeared, so he fetched another. A while later, another beer. And again, a missing coaster. This time the bartender decided he wouldn't waste another coaster. "Hey!" said the redneck. "Where's my cookie?"
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but thefollowing call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of peopleout there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.
After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanneda database of registered users and responded, "I see you have anAptiva" desktop unit.
Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and saidshe'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technicianasked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realizedyou could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that.... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out......
I D 1 0 T
Signed, THE DOG.
A few years ago the battery in my beat up Volkswagen Beetle had died because I'd left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work, so I ran into the house to get my girlfriend to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to start our second car, a big old monster sized gas guzzler. I told her we're going to use the big car to push the bug fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission (a rare one, indeed), it needed to be pushed at least 30 miles per hour for it to start.
She got in the car and drove off.
Drove off? What the hell was she doing?
I was waiting in the bug, getting impatient. After a moment I looked in the rear view mirror.
She was coming at me at about 40 miles per hour.
I suddenly realized I should have been a little bit clearer with my instructions . . .
George Smith and Percy Smith were twins. Rich, powerful and immoral, they thought their wealth and influence were enough to conceal their wicked ways from the congregation of the church they so piously attended, but eventually the preacher saw through them. One night, while exerting himself at his favorite bordello, Percy died of a heart attack. The next morning, brother George sought out the preacher and gave him a handsome check, enough to pay for a new wing to be named after his brother. "My donation has only one condition," he said. "At my brother's funeral, you must say that Percy Smith was a saint." Eyeing the much-needed check, the preacher thought a moment, then gave his word, shook hands, took George's check and quickly deposited it in the bank. At the funeral, the preacher began his eulogy, "Percy Smith was an evil man." George was flabbergasted. He tried to hide his rage, but the blood rose up his neck and spread throughout his face. The preacher continued, "Percy Smith cheated on his wife and abused his family. He exploited his workers and stole from his businesses." For a good twenty minutes, the preacher detailed every aspect of Percy's evil life as George seethed. As the eulogy wound down, all George could think about was revenge. And that's when the preacher looked straight into George's eyes and delivered his eulogy's final sentence: "But compared to his brother George, Percy Smith was a saint."
Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death at the drive-in movie? They were there to see "Closed for the Winter."
A man was bitten by a rabid dog. The doctor found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. He told him that there was no need to make out his will; rabies could be cured. He replied, "Will? What will? This is a list of people I'm gonna bite!"
Remember President Bush's trip to England a couple of months ago? Seems the Brits were a little upset with Dubya. In fact, in a speech the mayor of London described Bush as "the greatest threat to life on this planet."
After hearing this President Bush said, "That's ridiculous. What about Godzilla?"
-- Conan O'Brien
I went to the bar the other night and told the 'keep, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"'Less'? Never heard of it," he said.
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should 'drink Less.'"
Not so much a joke, but I think it's rather interesting...
Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ......... $10.32 per gallon.
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...........$9.52 per gallon.
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon.
Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon.
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 .......... $33.60 per gallon.
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon.
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ....... $123.20 per gallon.
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon.
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .$84.48 per gallon.
And this is the REAL KICKER......
Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source.
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismal or Nyquil. Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter Soviet offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter
this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"
"I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried:
"What's wrong with the computer?"
Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt."
A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: "Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?"
A mother, away all week at a business conference, decided to phone home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and screamed, "Dad! Come quick! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she had no prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. As it goes along at a steady rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She throws her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down its side anyway. Meanwhile, the horse gallops along, ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap off the horse to safety, but her foot tangles in the stirrup, and she is now at the horse's mercy, her head striking the ground again and again. Moments before she loses consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager notices her plight and unplugs the horse.
In our last venture out for Christmas shopping, we had bought a few gadgets for the youngins and then realized we didn't have any batteries.
I stepped over to the counter to get the batteries, but I couldn't attract any clerk's attention.
I waited a while then said to April, "I'll get someone's attention. Stay right here." With that, I pulled out a tape measure I just happened to have with me, and started to "measure" one of those large screen plasma television sets. You know, the ones that go for about $4000.
Amazingly, a clerk almost leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side.
"Sir! Can I help you?" he exclaimed.
"Yeah, you can. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there."
I found this in old email and thought it was hilarious....
ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know.. accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word ... the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in... Oh, never mind.
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Why is there no TV show called "Redneck C. S. I."? Because all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records!
Have you heard about that new show on MTV called "Newlyweds"? Real life newlyweds Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey do one of those "reality series" where a camera follows them around.
She's been called an idiot. A true ditzy blonde.
I happened to catch some of it. This woman makes the typical AOLien look like a brain surgeon.
She was honestly confused by a can of "Chicken of the Sea" tuna. "Is it fish? Is it chicken? I don't know."
She refused an order of buffalo wings because, "I don't think it's right to eat buffalo." (When on the plains, where exactly do buffalo hide their wings?)
And in the "scenes from next week's episode," Nick wants to take Jessica to San Diego for a romantic weekend. She complains to him, "Nick, I don't have my passport!"
Little Johnny has been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admires the pictures and hangs them on the refrigerator. One thing starts bothering her though. Little Johnny only uses black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem with her young son and not wanting to make it worse, she decides to take him to a child psychologist.
The psychologist delicately goes to work. He gives Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chats with Johnny. Everything seems perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continue. Yet everyday, little Johnny continues to bring home drawings in only black and brown.
Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something is terrible wrong, the child psychologist decides to give little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happens.
Little Johnny opens the box of crayons and says, "Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"
This is kinda stereotypical but still funny:
It's been reported that New York City is opening a high school exclusively for gay students.
Officials say the school will focus on the 3 R's: reading, writing, and remodeling.
-- Conan O'Brien
Only the *nix geeks will get this one :)
"The other morning I got out of bed early to work on the new Unix windowing system on the server.
April sighed, "You men. All you ever think about is X."
One time at this party I walked up to a stunning golden-haired woman and said, "You know, gentlemen prefer blondes."
She smiled a coy smile and answered, "You know, I'm not really a blonde."
I smiled, "Good. I'm not really a gentleman."
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich.The sandwich arrives, which he eats quietly. When done, he pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"
"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!" he yells, tossing a small dictionary to the irate man.
The manager opens the dictionary and reads:
Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
A huge burly guy walked into a bar. As he passed a meek little man sitting at the bar, he hit him on the neck and knocked him to the floor. The big guy said, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little man eventually climbed back up on his barstool. Soon, the big guy headed for the bathroom and, as he passed the little man, he hit him on the other side of the neck and knocked him to the floor again. The big guy said, "That was a judo chop from Japan." The little guy had had enough. He left, but returned a few minutes later, walked behind the big burly guy, conked him on the head and knocked him to the floor. The little guy said to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from my car!"
A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, "Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit." After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem. I'd like to see you again next Wednesday."
After a second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured.
For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt. Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed.
From a recent letter to the editor in Tennessee:
"The actions taken by the New Hampshire Episcopalians (INDUCTING A GAY BISHOP) are an affront to Christians everywhere.
I am just thankful that the church's founder, Henry VIII, and his wife Catherine of Aragon, and his wife Anne Boleyn, and his wife Jane Seymour, and his wife Anne of Cleves, and his wife Katherine Howard, and his wife Catherine Parr are no longerhere to suffer through this assault on traditional Christian marriages."
PROPOSED ERROR MESSAGES
WINDOWS 2006
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2006:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
16. User Error: Replace user.
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
19. User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient
20. Netscape.exe... Bad file name... May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/y)
True story:
I'm pretty sure a follow-up will find these two have headed on to the great Divorce Court in the sky.
Alexander Robinson, after years of blindness, finally got an operation to restore his sight. His wife had been the sole breadwinner and had earned the money for the operation.
First thing he said to his loving wife when he opened his eyes? "Boy, you sure have gotten fat in four years."
A group of children is playing outdoors: "I have a sister and each of us has her own room," one girl says.
"I have two sisters and one brother, and each of us has a bike," a boy brags.
"Well, there are eight children in my family," another girl says, "and each one of us has his or her own father!"
I was in the kitchen one day, trying to reach the baking powderon the top shelf of a cabinet. Being only five feet tall, I had to stretch, but still couldn't grab the box.
Fortunately, I have two six-foot-tall sons whom I often call to come to my rescue.
"Hey, Brian!" I yelled to my second son, who was in the living room. "Will you get your tallness in here and get this for me?"
"Sure, Mom," he remarked as he bounded into the kitchen. "But next time, I'd prefer the title 'Your Highness' when you need me."
Bonehead award one, a "too dumb to be a criminal," bonehead award goes to a Danish man who tried buying a pizza using Monopoly money, police said.
He was sentenced to 25 days in jail.
And While on the topic of counterfeit money, a bonehead award goes to a cashier at a Pennsylvania Fashion Bug clothing store who accepted a $200 bill with President George W. Bush's picture on it, a serial number of DUBYA4U2001, and a picture of the White House with lawn signs reading, "We Like Broccoli" and "USA Deserves A Tax Cut."
And then...
A boy who moved from Hempstead, NY to Gwinnett County, Georgia, got into trouble with school officials at Grayson High School for wearing a Hempstead NY t-shirt because it has the word "hemp" in it.
In other news, residents who moved to Georgia from Highland, California, have been given until sundown to leave the state.
50,000 blondes met at Safeco Field for the annual Blondes Convention. The first speaker said, "Today we will prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. May I have a volunteer?" Barbie the blonde stepped forward. "Barbie, what is 15 plus 15?" After a long wait, Barbie replied, "Eighteen?" Everyone was disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes chanted, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" So the speaker asked, "Barbie, what's 5 plus 5?" After another long wait, Barbie answered, "Ninety?" The crowd sighed, but again chanted, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The speaker responded, "Okay! Okay! Once more: what's 2 plus 2?" Barbie squeezed her eyes closed and said, "Four?" The stadium broke out in pandemonium as 50,000 blondes leapt to their feet, waving their arms, screaming, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
A blonde walked into a computer shop one day and asked the shop assistant for a curtain to fit her 15 inch computer monitor. The assistant said, "Why do you want a curtain for your computer screen?"
To which the blonde replies, "I've got Windows".
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW appeared in a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the yuppie, then at his grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Okay." The yuppie parked his car, grabbed his handheld GPS, whipped out his Pocket PC, surfed to NASA's web site, entered in the GPS data, brought up a recent ultra-high-resolution satellite photo, transferred it to Photoshop and exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg. Within seconds, his Blackberry had an email notifying him that his image was processed and its data stored in a SQL database on a networked server nearby. He downloaded the data into an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet, ran a statistical analysis, transferred the results to Word, outlined it, massaged the outline, then OLEd it into a short PowerPoint presentation, which he then showed to the shepherd. It read, simply, "1,586." "That's right. Well, I guess you can have a sheep." The young man selected an animal and loaded it into the BMW's trunk. The shepherd then asked him, "If I can name your profession, can I have my sheep back?" The man said, "Okay, sure. Why not?" Without a moment's hesitation, the shepherd said, "You're a consultant." "That's right!" said the yuppie, "but how did you know?" "Easy. You showed up here even though nobody called you; you expected to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and, you don't know a damned thing about my business. Now give me back my dog!"
First remove the plastic cover from the Microsoft Frozen TV Dinner. By doing so, you agree to accept and honor all Microsoft rights to all other TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your Microsoft Frozen TV Dinner. You may let others smell and admire at your dinner. You are encouraged to tell them how good your Microsoft Frozen TV Dinner is. Do not think the Microsoft Frozen TV Dinner tray is too large even thought it is larger than the food itself, with many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are reserved for future foods. If your oven is too small to hold your Microsoft Frozen TV Dinner, you need to upgrade your equipment. Microsoft Frozen TV Dinners may not be compatible with other food in your freezer and may cause your freezer to self-defrost. This is not a bug, it's a feature. Your freezer probably needed defrosting anyway.
I was behind this guy at the bank teller's window one time. He handed the teller some money and whispered, "Please deposit this two hundred dollars in my savings account."
The teller handled the transaction and asked if there would be anything else she could do for him.
"No," he whispered again, "have a good day."
As he walked by me he saw the quizzical look on my face. He whispered to me, "If I don't whisper, my car will know I've deposited money and it'll break down again."
He put his finger to his lips and tip-toed out of the bank.
A banquet was held for the local parish priest who had served the same parish for twenty-five years. A local politician and member of the congregation was supposed to make a presentation and speech, but he was delayed, so the priest elected to say a few words until he arrived. "You must understand that the seal of the confessional may never be broken, but my first impression of this parish was formed from my first confession twenty-five years ago. 'I've been assigned to a terrible place,' I thought, because in the very first confession I heard, the man told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had nearly murdered the officer. He went on to describe how he had embezzled money where he worked and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as I met more people here, I learned that not everyone was like that, and instead, that this was a fine place full of understanding, loving people." Just then, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began his prepared speech. "I'll never forget the first day Father arrived here," he said. "In fact, I hold the honor of being his first confession here!"
All the passengers were onboard the small, third-world, puddle-jumping, commuter plane waiting for take-off. The stewardess assured them that their pilots will arrive soon; they were "delayed on another flight." Eventually, two uniformed men wearing dark glasses entered the plane. One used a guide dog, while the other tapped his way into the cockpit with his white cane. Nervous laughter spread through the cabin as the passengers glanced around, nervously searching for some sign that this was just a practical joke. No explanation was forthcoming. The plane taxied into position, then rolled down the runway, faster and faster, until the people near the windows realized they were nearing the end of the runway. Panicked screams filled the cabin, but suddenly the plane lifted off and rose smoothly into the sky. The passengers relaxed and laughed sheepishly. In the cockpit, the co-pilot said to the pilot, "You know, Bob, one of these days they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, when they do come home they expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone to sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
For our honeymoon my fiancee and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites.
When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"
"Yes, it's our honeymoon," I replied.
"Oh, wonderful! And how many adults will there be?" she asked.
Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating. A woman over heard her aunt and uncle one day:
"What are you looking for in that closet?" Sadie asked.
"Nothing," Morris answered.
"Well, it's not in there. Look under the bed."
Mr. Gaye, a US Airways employee, was traveling aboard a US Airways flight on a free voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gaye moved to an empty seat. Eventually it became obvious that the flight was full and, when the seat was needed, the gate attendant went to Mr. Gaye's original seat and asked the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gaye?" The man was taken aback, but said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I am!" The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane. We need your seat." At this point, Mr. Gaye, who saw all this and realized the error, jumped up and said, "Excuse me. You've made a mistake. I'm Gaye!" Two rows behind him another man stood up and said, "Hang in there! I'm gay, too and they can't throw us all off!"
So this isn't a joke, but it's still funny. The AP published the following article:
" CORVALLIS, Ore. (AP) -- An Oregon man's flat-screen TV is loaded with all the bells and whistles -- including one option he'd rather not have.
A couple of weeks ago the Toshiba with built-in VCR, DVD and CD player starting emitting the international distress signal.
An orbiting search and rescue satellite picked up the signal and before long Chris van Rossman heard a knock at the door.
Air Force officials, a police officer and a search and rescue deputy were outside.
Officials have told him to keep the TV off or face a fine.
A Toshiba spokeswoman says this is the first time the company has heard of such a problem."
A few years ago when I actually supervised people for a living, I had an employee call me to tell me he wasn't coming into work one day. "The doctor says I'm suffering from Anal Glaucoma."
"What? 'Anal Glaucoma'? What the hell is that?" I asked.
"Basically," he said, "I just can't see my ass coming into work today."
1 Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
2 Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
3 Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
4 Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
5 Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
6 Get plenty of rest.
7 Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR .... You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So......
1,2 I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), also vitamin packed.
3 I walk to the local bar (exercise),
5 drink on the bar patio (fresh air),
6,7 get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest).
The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get you!!!!
Did you hear about the dyslexic who went to a toga party dressed as a goat?
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned - the Dark meat and white
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and Gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...
Happy eating to all, pass the cranberries, please.
May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes ' n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious. May your pies take the prize.
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
The only man who got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
You gotta be a programmer to find this humorous, but I thought it was so funny that I had to post it...
For those of you who don't know the story of the first spam posted to newsgroups, this guy spammed 5,000 newsgroups from his job. One of the groups he spammed was comp.lang.c - a group for disccussion of the C programming language. Here's a response to the spam message that was pretty funny.
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Houston, Texas prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a quick peek at it and address him by name.
Once, during a check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Houston, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
You might like this one if you know your cars....
A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28- ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy. "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."
"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"
"A Datsun."
As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."
"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am.
That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number...
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Agnes
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtledoves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love,
Agnes
December 17th
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are be