Jokes

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place. His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet. Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move. They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ......including the curtain rods.

Q. What is the acronym for U.S. ARMY-backwards?

A. Yes My Retarded Ass Signed Up

An old man was in his golden years, but that didn't stop him from trying to pick up the younger ladies. He went to the local bar, approached a very pretty and very young woman and said, "Where
have you been all my life?"

The young lady takes one glance at him and says, "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."

Newspaper Ads I'd Like To See

Are You Illiterate? Learn to read by mail with six-month correspondence course. Write today for free booklet. Yes, I stole this joke. But you can't read, so fuck you.

From Reader's Digest

I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home.

Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent night's sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in years.

The next morning, I asked my husband, "Why was Zack in bed with you?"

"Oh," he replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed, and I was too tired to change his sheets."

The policeman was walking his beat when he saw two men fighting and Little Johnny standing alongside them crying, "Daddy, Daddy!"

The officer pulled the two men apart and, turning to Little Johnny, asked, "Which one is your father, lad?"

"I don't know," Little Johnny said, rubbing tears from his eyes. "That's what they're fighting about!"

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in thelocal tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a goodlong look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't seeus or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make.God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."

Right outside her front door, my mother had a thermometer that never seemed to tell the correct temperature. One chilly day, we all noticed that the thermometer, which was in direct sunlight, read a balmy 72 degrees.

"Mom," April suggested without thinking, "you should stick that thing where the sun doesn't shine."

Little Johnny went to his first school dance. He didn't know if he would ever get up the nerve to ask a girl out to dance.

As the night went on everybody was dancing except Little Johnny. He just sat in the corner looking at everyone having fun.

Finally as the last song started to play Little Johnny spotted two very cute girls across the room sitting at their table. He walked over and asked one if she would like to dance. She looked him up and down and said "I am sorry but I am very particular with whom I dance with."

Little Johnny shot back, "You can damn well see that I am not."

A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The bear turned to the rabbit and asked, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replied, "No."

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

It was a slow day at the Pearly Gates, so St. Peter decided to learn the cause of death of everyone seeking entry. Suddenly three men arrived in quick succession. St. Peter asked the first man, "How did you die?" The man replied, "Oh, it was awful. I was so certain my wife was having an affair that I came home from work early to catch her in the act. Sure enough, she was in bed in the middle of the afternoon, but all alone. I searched our apartment everywhere, but couldn't find him. Then I went out on our balcony and there was a man, hanging over the railing. I hit his hands until he fell, but some bushes broke his fall. So, I rolled our refrigerator outside and pushed it over the railing on top of him. All that exertion gave me a heart attack and I died." St. Peter shook his head. "Wow, that's quite a story." He turned to the second man. "How did you die?" "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing my exercises on the balcony of my apartment when I twisted my ankle and fell over the rail. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below ours, but then some maniac came out and pounded on my fingers until I fell. Luckily, I landed in some bushes. But then a refrigerator fell on me!" St. Peter chuckled, "That's a unique story, too." He then asked the third man, "How did you die?" "Okay, picture this: there I was, sitting naked inside a refrigerator...."

"Attendance at our church's Wednesday-evening Bible study had been dwindling, so our pastor changed the format to a discussion group based on a Christian-video series.

"When publicity for the new program went out, the notice read "Wednesday Evening -- Adult Videos."

I remember one time going to a masquerade party. I was dressed as Superman (of course) and I was dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume.

My friend Bob was over by the bar watching me and the Texas gal. He saw us stop dancing, then, out of the blue, he saw the girl rear back and slap the shit out of me.

I stumbled over to the bar and Bob asked me, "What the hell happened?"

"I'm not really sure," I said, rubbing my jaw. "She asked me if I'd ever been to Texas. I put my finger on Brownsville to show her where I'd been, and she let me have it!"

"Mr. Smith, you're the proud father of healthy baby boy!" "That's great, Doc! Thanks for everything!" "Well, there is one problem. Your son has no eyelids. But don't worry; we can fix that easily." "Huh? How?" "Easy. We use the skin from his circumcision as a graft." "And he'll be okay?" "Oh, yes. Well, he may be a little cock-eyed...."

Did you hear about the dyslexic diabetic? Instead of pricking his finger twice a day, he....

A businessman, staying at a local motel, wanted some companionship, so he looked under "escort services" in the telephone book and dialed the number listed. A woman with a sexy voice answered, "Yes?" The businessman quickly and bluntly told her what he wanted and then asked the rate. She chuckled and said, "Sir, I think you need to first dial a 9 to get an outside line, but thanks anyway!"

Two Arabs boarded a flight and ended up sitting beside an American, who kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes, and settled in. Once the captain had turned off the seatbelt sign, the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get out so I can get a beer." "Me, too," said the Arab in the middle seat. "Don't get up," said the American. "I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get them for you." As soon as he left, the Arabs quietly spat in the American's shoes. The American returned, gave them their beers, and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the flight. But as the plane prepared for landing, the American slipped his feet back into his shoes and immediately knew what had happened. "Why does it have to be like this?" he mused out loud. "How long must this continue? This fighting? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes. This pissing in beers?"

The Meaning of LIfe

On the first day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years" No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained.

When my sister teased her four-year-old daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was quite indignant.

"No mommy, I don't," she replied, "because he's only interested in one thing."

Shocked, my sister cautiously asked what that might be.

"Pokemon cards, of course," said the toddler.

One should remember that calling 911 is sometimes a public service, done for the benefit of others. One elderly male caller reported, "There's a woman over here doing some yard work in one of those thong bikinis."

"Sir," said an exasperated dispatcher, "911 is an emergency number. What do you expect the police to do about a woman in a thong bikini?"

"Nothing," the guy said, "Just thought you fellows would like to know."

A skinny alligator was sitting beside a fat alligator beside the swamp near Washington, D. C. The plump gator asked the skinny gator, "What's the matter, Tommy? I don't understand why you're so skinny. We're the same age, we grew up together. I don't get it." "Well," said the skinny gator, "I eat politicians, same as you." "Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?" "At the other side of the swamp, near that parking lot." "Me, too. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawl up under the driver's door of a Lexus and wait for someone to unlock it, then I jump out, grab 'em by the leg, shake the shit out of 'em until they're dead, drag 'em back here to the swamp, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I see your problem. Once you shake the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase!"

Ever Wonder?

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (sound it out...)

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets madc at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? ...

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then her husband spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear; every single detail!"

"Good. Henceforth that's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

Quotes from acutal courtrooms

Judge: "I know you, don't I?"
Defendant: "Uh, yes."
Judge: "All right, tell me, how do I know you?"
Defendant: "Judge, do I have to tell you?"
Judge: "Of course; you might be obstructing justice not to tell me."
Defendant: "Okay. I was your bookie."

From a defendant representing himself . . .
Defendant: "Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your purse?"
Victim: "Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse."
Defendant: "I should have shot you while I had the chance."

Judge: "The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?"
Defendant: "No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens."

Lawyer: "How do you feel about defense attorneys?"
Juror: "I think they should all be drowned at birth."
Lawyer: "Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution."
Juror: "That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too."

Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?"
Juror: "I don't want to be away from my job that long."
Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?"
Juror: "Yes, but I don't want them to know it."

Lawyer: "Tell us about the fight."
Witness: "I didn't see no fight."
Lawyer: "Well, tell us what you did see."
Witness: "I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets."
Lawyer: "You, too, were shot in the fracas?"
Witness: "No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Defendant: "Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer."
Judge: "And why is that?"
Defendant: "Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case."
Judge (to Public Defender): "Do you have a comment on the defendant's motion?"
Public Defender: "I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening."

Judge: "Please identify yourself for the record."
Defendant: "Colonel Ebenezer Jackson."
Judge: "What does the 'Colonel' stand for?"
Defendant: "Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front of your name -not a damn thing."

Judge: "You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?"
Defendant: "Habitual thirstiness?"

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): "Can I address the court?"
Judge: "Of course."
Defendant: "If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?"
Judge: "I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail."
Defendant: "What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?"
Judge: "I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking."
Defendant: "In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch."

Seen on the warning label of Midol PMS: "Do not take this product, unless directed by a doctor, if you have difficulty in urination due to enlargement of the prostate gland."

If I had a prostate and needed Midol PMS, I think I'd be worried about more than drug side effects . . .

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks
up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and
says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and
storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%? Want to know the secret?

If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as their corresponding number:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far this will take you...

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.

I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything.

"He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on from there.

A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were in bed, making love and I said, 'Tell me you love me'."

He said, "I love you."

I said, "Tell me you're the Easter Bunny."

He stopped for a second, and said, "I'm the Easter Bunny."

"So I slapped him."

The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.

The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground.

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's compensation and went home on sick leave.

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. "We've got all the umpires."

It was the ambulance-chasing lawyer's lucky day: there was an accident in the street, a few cars ahead of his, but the crowd was so dense he couldn't get through. Being a clever little lawyer, he shouted, "Let me through! Let me through! I'm the victim's son!" The crowd parted and there, lying in front of the car, was a donkey.

How do you get a sweet little old lady to say the "F word?" Get some other sweet little old lady to yell, "Bingo!"

The young blonde took only a few minutes to check out the Porsches and Lamborghinis before settling on a Ferrari. "I'll take the red one. Do you take cash?" Of course they did and she quickly pulled handfuls of bills out of her purse. But two days later she was back. "I want my money back! This car stinks every time I use the brakes." Assuming such a young blonde might not be driving such a high performance car properly, the manager asks for a demonstration ride. He barely had his seatbelt fastened before she screamed out of the dealership, revved it up to 60 mph before shifting into second gear, 90 mph at third, does a handbrake turn into a narrow two-lane country road where she really accelerated. The car screams around turns, the engine trying to leap through the hood. At 170, the manager spotted in the distance a railroad crossing with the barriers down. Less than a hundred yards from the crossing, she stood on the brakes and the car came to a screeching halt inches from the tracks. "There"" she asked. "Can you smell it?" The shaken dealer cried, "Smell it? I'm sitting in it!"

Two nicely-dressed ladies were chatting while waiting at the airport. One was an arrogant, wealthy, egotistical Californian. The other was a well-mannered Southern lady. The California woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The Southern lady replied, "Well, isn't that precious." The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the other commented, "Well, isn't that precious." The first continued boasting, "Then when my third child was born, he bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, "Well, isn't that precious." The Californian asked, "What did your husband buy you when you had your first child?" "He sent me to charm school," said the Southern lady. "Charm school? Oh, God! Why?" The Southern lady replied, "Well, for one thing, I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious' instead of, 'Who gives a shit?!'"

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

Arkansas doesn't see that many hang gliders, so when Bubba saved up and bought himself one, he didn't really know where to go to get instruction. He just took it to the top of the highest hill around, took off running, and, when he reached the edge, up into the wind he went! Down below, Maw and Paw were sitting on their front porch, swinging and talking about the good old days when suddenly Maw shouted, "Paw! Lookee there! Ain't that the biggest bird yew ever seen?" Paw agreed, reached into the living room, grabbed his shotgun, took careful aim, and BANG! BANG! The monster bird continued sailing silently overhead. "I think ya missed him, Paw," said Maw. "Yeah, mebbe so," he grunted, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

While I was shopping the other day, I wound up face to face with this drop dead gorgeous blonde. Son, talk about *built*. I couldn't help but just stare (leer?) at her and I'm more than positive I had my mouth open. She caught me staring and suspected I wasn't just admiring her outfit.

She said, "Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?"

I replied, "No, ma'am. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."

"Hello, Sheriff's Office." "I wanna report my neighbor Virgil Smith. I think he's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you for the tip, sir." Deputies immediately descended on Virgil's house, searched his shed, found his firewood, and split open every piece but found nothing inside. As they drove away empty-handed, Virgil's phone rang. "Hey, Virgil, it's Floyd. Did the sheriff's deputies come by yet?" "Yeah, they sure did!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah." "Happy birthday, buddy!"

A cop asked the speeder for his name. "Fred." "Fred what?" "Just Fred." The officer pressed him for his last name. "I used to have a last name but I lost it." Playing along, the cop asked, "So tell me, Fred, exactly how did you lose your last name?" Fred replied, "It's kind of a long story, but here goes: I was born Fred Dingaling. Kids teased me relentlessly. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, got good grades and became a doctor, making me Fred Dingaling, MD. But dentistry was my dream, so I stayed in school and got my dental degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. But I hired this knockout dental hygienist, one thing led to another, and damned if she didn't give me VD. That made me Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. When the ADA found out about the VD, they took away my DDS, making me Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as just Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling, so now I'm just Fred." The officer tore up the ticket and walked away in tears, laughing.

A man entered the Patent Office to register his inventions. The female clerk pulled out a form, took down his personal information, and then asked, "What is the invention?" He said, "A folding bottle. I call it a 'fottle.'" "Humph. What else do you have?" "A folding carton. I call it a 'farton.'" The clerk snickered. "Both of those names are silly and the last one is even crude." The man was so offended that he walked out without even telling her about his folding bucket!

What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't want in her face? Wrinkles! (Exactly what were you thinking?)

She couldn't wait to tell me. "Mommy, today we learned that boys are different from girls! My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't." "Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously, but then couldn't think of how to continue. "That's how girls know that boys are boys. They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he's a boy." I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour. "Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?" My palms started to sweat. "Um, well, uh..." I was still searching for a new topic when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?" Now I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question, at least once? "Oh, well, um..." I stammered. She didn't wait. "It's 'cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and then they know they're boys and then they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked." That last part confused me, but on the whole I had to admit she had a pretty good grasp on it. As soon as we pulled into the garage, she fished something from her school bag. "I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?" I wasn't sure that I did, but I looked anyway. I laughed so hard at her drawing, I started to cry and had to sit down. There, all puffed up, so to speak, and looking mighty attractive to the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers stood tall and proud. She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at it, but when I told her I loved it -- and I did -- she got over her pique. And that was the end of that, at least for her. But not for me. Every year at this time, I remember that conversation and to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since!

The waitress was tired of this one patron always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.

"I'll tell ya what, stud. I'll have sex with ya on two conditions. First, it'll cost ya 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."

He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination.

When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother"

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...

You can't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother"

But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex".

When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone just so. He said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ."

And he sat back down.

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met a young lady of excellent character and virtue that interested him very much. What should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great idea, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

Once Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Green met during a party. After an hour talking and drinking Mrs. Smith told her friend, "They call my husband 'The Exorcist.'" With a great surprise Mrs. Green asked her, "Why?"

She replied, "At every party we attend, he soon gets rid of all the spirits."

Feelings of inadequacy? Shyness? Wish you were more assertive? Ask your doctor about Tequila®, the natural way to feel more confident. Tequila® will ease you out of shyness and tell the world that you're willing to do anything. And Tequila® works almost immediately. With a regimen of regular doses, shyness and awkwardness become a thing of the past and you'll discover talents you never knew you had. Warning: Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Pregnant and nursing women should not use Tequila® although women who want to become pregnant should give it a try. Side effects include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lust, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headaches, dehydration, dry mouth, a desire to sing karaoke, and may lead to all-night bouts of truth or dare, strip poker, or naked twister. "Tequila®: Leave shyness behind™"

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under
the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded one jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.

Two nuns passed through the beer section in the grocery store. One asked, "Would you like a beer?" The other replied, "That would be good, but do you think we should?" The said she'd handle it and threw a six-pack in their cart. The checker looked surprised so the first nun said, "It's for washing our hair." Without blinking an eye, the checker grabbed a bag of pretzels. "Here. Don't forget the curlers!"

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives."

The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can, look at him, he's afraid to cough."

When Mike got arrested, the police told him, "Anything you say will be held against you."

Mike smiled and simply replied, "Jessica Simpson's boobs."

A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time.

The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under the midget's left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmmm..", mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the testicle, he asked the midget to cough again, "Hmmm, I see the problem," said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table, pull his pants up, and then walk around and see if his testicles still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

"The midget said, "That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?"

The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

At one job I had, the boss man got the idea that the IT department should be living up to the slogan, "Giving every user what they need."

I politely requested, "How do we get them to turn around so we can kick them in the ass?" It went over quite well, the room fell out laughing. I don't work there any more.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Three small boys were bragging about their fathers.

The first boasted that his dad owned a farm.

The second said his dad owned a factory.

The third boy, a pastor's son, replied: "That's nothing'. My dad owns hell?"

"No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?"

"Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night."

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch!

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, "Yellow, this is Mujibar.''

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems

No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.