Jokes

What's an Australian kiss? It's like a French kiss, only down under.

An otherwise happily married couple's only friction was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. He was loud enough to wake his wife, make her eyes water, and gasp for air. She begged him every morning to stop, but he said he couldn't and it was natural. "You should see a doctor, then, because someday you're going to blow your guts out." Then, one Thanksgiving morning when she arose early to prepare the turkey while he slept in, the turkey innards, neck, gizzard, liver and spare parts gave her a malicious idea. She carried that mess upstairs, gently pulled back the covers, stretched out the elastic waistband of his boxers, emptied the entire bowl inside, and sneaked back downstairs. She later heard him awaken with his usual trumpeting, but this time it was followed by a bloodcurdling scream. She laughed so hard she cried! "That ought to make up for my years of torture!" she thought. Twenty minutes later her husband entered the kitchen with a look of horror on his face, still wearing his stained underwear. She had to bite her lip as she asked, "Honey, what's wrong?" He said, "I should have listened to you. All these years you've warned me." "About what?" "You always said that someday I'd end up farting my guts out and this morning it finally happened. But, by the grace of God and some Vaseline, I think I got most of it back inside!"

A young couple were in a car parked on Lovers Lane and the young man turned admiringly to his pretty date and said, "Gee, you smell good. You wearing perfume or something?"

The girl blushed charmingly and confessed that she was wearing a new perfume that she'd bought especially with him in mind. "You smell good, too," she aid, "What do you have on?"

"Well, I have a hard-on," blurted the young man," but I didn't know that you could smell it."

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want
that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like a man."

Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As a graduate from an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.) Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never fuck with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia

Game Show Banter

1. On the Newlywed Game, Bob Eubanks asked the wife where the most unusual place they had ever had sex was.
Response: "That's got to be up the butt, Bob."

2. On Password the contestant was black. The secret word was "deer" The celebrity gave the clue "DOE".
The contestant responded "KNOB".

3. The old Cross-Wits show was a crossword puzzle. The host gives one of the two teams a clue, and they have to guess the answer and fill in the crossword. Alice Ghostley from Bewitched and Designing Women was the celebrity. The clue was "A famous woodpecker."
Alice responded for the team "Pinocchio."

Pete and his lawyer are in the courtroom, being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "Your Honor, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!"

"Secondly, Your Honor," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."

"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes Your Honor, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related... Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."

"Thirdly Your Honor, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.

A man who was born, reared, and educated in New York took a job in Mississippi after college. He liked Mississippi so much that he stayed, married, and had a family. When his widowed father retired, he invited him to move to a nice retirement community near him. His father, tired of the cold New York winters, decided to give it a try.

After a month of living in the retirement community, he and his son were having dinner together and the son asked, "Dad, how do you like living in the South after all those years in New York?"
"Well, son," he replied. "I like it a lot. The people are really friendly and everyone seems to have a nickname. For instance, Tom is called "The Mechanic" by everyone in spite of the fact that it has been over 20 years since he has worked on a car. Bill has not practiced medicine for at least 15 years, but everyone still calls him "Doc."

"So, Dad, do you have a nickname?"

"Yes, I do. Even though I have not had sex in the 10 years since your mother died, everyone refers to me as that "Fucking Yankee."

eBay Fun

By now, most of you have probably seen the wedding dress on eBay. If you haven't, go look!! It's definitely worth the click.

A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Augusta, GA one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge of the bridge getting ready (fixin) to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your Mother and Father".

He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead, I'm gonna jump".

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children".

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids".

She said, " Well, then think of Robert E. Lee".

He replied, " Who is Robert E. Lee?"

She replied, "Well just go on and jump, you dumb-ass Yankee."

"April and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one."

"How'd you do that?"

"Well, you know when you're done with a big fight your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?"

"Yeah."

"I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"

Nina, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.

The local priest walks by and gives her a glare. "Nina! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?"

"What?" said Nina. "You got something better to do after sex?"

The Top 5 Things You Don't Want to Hear at a
Parent-Teacher Conference

5> "Oh, I wouldn't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. It's highly unlikely that Billy will *actually* kill you at midnight tonight with the turkey-carving knife that has been mysteriously missing since the cat disappeared."

4> "I want to discuss Jimmy's reflexive flinching every time I raise my hand."

3> "Generally, your son is a good kid. And if it weren't for all the damning the other children to an eternity of suffering, anguish and torture in hell, I'd probably pass him."

2> "Have you considered home-schooling? No? *Would* you consider home-schooling? Please?"

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear at a Parent-Teacher Conference...

1> "This is one child we're leaving behind."

The science teacher put four worms in four separate jars, the first in a jar of alcohol, the second in a jar of cigarette smoke, the third in a jar of sperm, and the fourth in a jar of soil. The next day, the first, second and third worms were dead, but the fourth worm lived happily in the soil. The science teacher asked, "Now, class, what can you learn from this experiment?" Little Johnny raised his hand. "As long as you smoke and drink and have sex, you'll never have worms!"

Jim and Charlie were using the urinals when Jim just happened to glance over. He said, "Geez, Charlie! Has that thing grown?" Charlie said, "Why, yeah, it has. Three inches, in fact." Jim said, "Damn! Three inches? What'd you do?" "I just rub it with butter three times a day." "I gotta try that." A few months later they run into each other again. Charlie asked, "Well, did you try it? Did it work?" Jim replied, "Yes, I did try it, damn you! It shrank two inches!" "Really? Did you rub it with butter three times a day?" Jim shook his head. "Nah, butter's too expensive. I used Crisco." Charlie said, "Well, no wonder. Crisco is shortening!"

AOL Version 9.0 cool features you may not be aware of

Easy tutorial helps users count past 8.0.

Pop-ups! More Pop-ups! (Oh wait, that's actually true and it's not funny at all.)

Buddy List automatically includes Larry King, whether you want him or not.

Identifies the best porn on the Internet so you know precisely which sites to, um, avoid.

Pedophiles 50% creepier!

You can install this version rectally.

It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class, as the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the chalkboard: "T T T 1A."

She looked at the children and said, "Who wrote this?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher."

"Well, what does that mean, Little Johnny?" asked the teacher.

Little Johnny answers, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Apple,'" and with that, he gave the teacher an apple.

"Very good," says the teacher, "thank you."

The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices, once again, something written on the board. This time the chalkboard reads: "T T T 1O."

She asked the children, "Who wrote this?"

Then Bobby answers, "I did, teacher."

The teacher says, "Well, Bobby, what does that mean?"

Bobby says, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange,'" and he gives the teacher an orange.

"Very good, Bobby, thank you."

The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed on the board: "F U C K 1 T."

Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, "WHO WROTE THIS!"

Then Juanito raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher."

Angrily, the teacher asks, "Well, what does this mean, Juanito?"

"It means, 'From Us Chicano Kids 1 Tamale.'"

Bubba called his attorney. "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?" "Yes, Bubba, that is true," responded his lawyer. "And someone's suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat? Is that true?" "Sure is, Bubba." "And some lady sued McDonald's when she was gave a hot cuppa coffee, like she ordered?" "Yes." "And some football player sued some university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?" "That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?" "Well, I was thinkin'... Kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I's slept with?"

Bill Gates my father is not. As church treasurer, he had two files, one labeled "St. Mary's Income" and one labeled "St. Mary's Expenditures." While copying them from a Macintosh to a PC, he had no idea the PC would automatically truncate the file names to ten characters, eliminate spaces, and replace apostrophes with periods.

Now the church's income is stored in "St.Mary.sin" and ex- penses in "St.Mary.sex."

Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop to pick-up her Mom. She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited. Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"

My husband always lets me know when he's not getting enough. The other night when my boys were being particularly rambunctious, and groping each other, I yelled at them "In this house, we don't touch each other's privates!"

To which my husband replied, "No kidding."

A man had a large tapeworm and, despite the advances of modern medicine, no doctor could remove it without surgery. The man, afraid of surgery, continued to suffer until a friend recommended an "alternative" doctor, trained in the ways of the old country. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he went to the doctor. "I can cure your tapeworm in three visits," said the shaman. "Drop your pants and bend over the examination table." First, he hammered a hard-boiled egg up the man's ass, WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! Five minutes later, he hammered a cookie up his ass, WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! "Come back tomorrow at the same time," said the doctor. Against his better judgment, the man did. WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! went the egg. Five minutes later, WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! went the cookie. "Now come back tomorrow for your final cure!" The next day, the man returned, assumed the by-now familiar position and WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! up went the egg. Then the doctor waited five minutes, but did not insert the cookie. Six minutes passed, seven minutes passed, finally, eight minutes later, the tapeworm stuck his head out of the man's ass and yelled, "Hey! Where's my cookie?!" as the doctor brought the hammer down, WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

Late one night, Officer O'Leary's patrol car passed a used car lot when he spotted two little old ladies sitting in a Chevy convertible. O'Leary drove up beside them. "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?" "Why, officer; certainly not!" said one. "We bought this car today." "Well, then," said O'Leary, "why don't you just start it up and drive home?" "We don't drive," said the other little old lady. "Besides, we'd rather wait here." "What? Why?" asked O'Leary. "We were told that if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed!"

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him."

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?"

Little Johnny replies, "An eggplant."

"No, Johnny," says the teacher, "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?"

"No, ma'am," Says Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"

Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.

The second says, "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy, "What about you?"

"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."

A lady come home and caught her husband in the act of cheating on her. The rural housewife went back to the back of the house and returned with the family's .22 caliber rifle.

Aiming the weapon at her husband's balls she said, "I'm gonna turn a bull into a steer, Jon!"

"No no!" pleaded Jon. "Not like this! C'mon, Judi, give me a sporting chance, darlin'!"

"All right. I will. You can set 'em to swinging . . . "

I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long. A young mother boarded with her 5-year-old daughter and Mom sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap. So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding.

"What ya got, mister?" she asked.

(Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her business.)

I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?"

(Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.)

I said, "they're for my girlfriend".

She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot of them, too! Man, you really must have fucked up!"

Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was in stitches, except Mom who was now trying to crawl between the seats!

Female Keywords and their meanings

THAT'S OK
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "you're welcome."

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only say "Nothing".

The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce from that jerk over there."

The judge said, "Why do you want the divorce?"

"Because he's a terrible lover."

The judge asked, "How long have you been married?"

"Fourteen years," she replied.

"I don't understand. Why did you wait fourteen years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?"

She said, "Because, your Honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn't know."

A teacher entered her classroom one Monday morning and found the word "penis" written on the board in tiny letters. She scanned her class's faces looking for guilt, but found none, so she erased it and continued with the day's lessons. On Tuesday she found the same word written in larger letters. Again, she searched in vain to find the culprit. Every day the same word appeared and each day it grew larger. The following Monday she arrived fully expecting a giant version, but instead found a neatly-lettered sentence: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the News office and told that he had found a 12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be found in South America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter to get particulars. This is what happened:

Reporter: Does Mr. Brown live here?

Mrs. Brown: He does.

Reporter: Is he in?

Mrs. Brown: No he isn't.

Reporter: I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.

Mrs. Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes.

Reporter: Can you show me the exact location where it was found?

Mrs. Brown: I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.

Reporter: Is the hole far from here?

Mrs. Brown: No, it is quite handy.

Reporter: Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?

Mrs. Brown: Almost ten months.

Reporter: Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?

Mrs. Brown: He thought he was.

Reporter: Was the work difficult?

Mrs. Brown: It was at first but easier after the shaft opened.

Reporter: Is the water plentiful?

Mrs. Brown: Yes, sufficient to carry on the work.

Reporter: Has he gotten to the bottom yet?

Mrs. Brown: No, but quite near it.

Reporter: Do you think there are any more nuggets?

Mrs. Brown: Yes, if the claim is properly worked.

Reporter: Has he worked it since he found the nugget?

Mrs. Brown: No, but I told him it was time to start.

Reporter: Do you help him?

Mrs. Brown: I do my level best.

Reporter: Do you think he will sell the claim?

Mrs. Brown: No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself.

Reporter: Can I see the nugget?

Mrs. Brown: Certainly.

She brought the baby in for inspection. The embarrassed reporter departed very fast.

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!" "Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice..."Oh really, I can't," he replies.."My wife loves this beard!!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.

That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

There's six redheads. How can you tell which one is dating the dumb blonde guy?

Look for the one with the bruised belly button!

A nun badly needed a bathroom so she entered a nearby bar. The place was jumping, music, dancing, laughter but when she appeared, the room went silent. She asked the bartender, "May I please use your restroom?" The bartender replied, "Well, yeah, but maybe you shouldn't." "Why now?" "Well, Sister, there's a statue of a man in there with his privates covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed her to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out to a round of applause and laughter from the whole place. Puzzled, she asked the bartender, "Why are they doing this? Why applaud me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, Sister, now they know you're one of us." "What do you mean?" said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time that statue's fig leaf is raised, all the lights in the whole place go out. Now, how about a drink?"

There were three things on my shopping list that I needed to get from Wal-mart; toothpaste, razors and lotion.

After picking out the first two items I headed toward the lotion aisle searching for the biggest cheapest bottle that I could find.

And as I picked up the jumbo-sized bottle of Jergen's I got shot the strangest look from the lady standing next to me as if for some reason she knew that lotion wasn't necessarily going to be used for "skin moisturization".

I looked at her and said the only thing I could think of: "Just got high-speed internet. Need to stock up."

A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of begging. Finally, the policeman says: "OK. I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"

"Go ahead!" answers the speeder.

"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a car!"

"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a VW?" replies the policeman, and proceeds to write the ticket.

"Wait! Give me another chance!", begs the guy.

"Ok. But, this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!"

"Fair enough."

"You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a bike!"

"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? Is it a Suzuki? Is it a Harley Davidson? Sorry, you're getting the ticket!"

"Yeah, OK. But let me ask you a question too."

"Go ahead," answers the policeman.

"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.

"Easy. That's a hooker," replies the policeman.

"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"

Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the Internet. Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the system "user-friendly", licensed the cartoon character "Woody Woodpecker" as the "Internet guide." Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of the product.

A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan last week. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch indefinitely.

The reason: the ads featured the slogan "Touch Woody - The Internet Pecker."

An American staff member at the internal product launch explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what "touch woody" and "pecker" meant in American slang.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said," Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

A drunken man was wondering around a bar's parking lot, bumping into cars and then feeling their roofs. The bartender came outside and asked, "What are you doing?" "Looking for my car." "How does feeling the roof help?" asked the puzzled bartender. "Easy," said the drunk, "my car's roof has two blue lights and a siren!"

Screw Harry Potter. What a REAL 12 year old wizard would do:

-Turn that owl into a Hooters waitress.

-Screw thumbtacks -- put a T-Rex in the teacher's chair!

-Bring about world peace -- through brutal domination with his minions of large-breasted, booger-firing KoolAidMan-bots

-Grow pubes

-Make sure he doesn't develop carpal tunnel from spending too much time "polishing the magic wand."

-Dad's salary: $54,000; Young wizard's allowance: $212,000.

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay
off.

So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a terrible headache."

The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and told the congregation, "Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do something about people parking behind the church at night. I was out there this morning and there are enough beer cans out there to build a car."

One of the old sisters stood up and said, "Amen brother and enough rubbers to put tires on it."

LETTERS TO SANTA If Santa answered his mail honestly...

Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a freaking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.
At least HE can spell! -Santa-

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa-

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. -Santa-

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. -Santa-

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. -Santa-

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. -Santa-

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.I'm skipping your house. -Santa-

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Dear Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but it doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. -Santa-

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into home? Love, Marky Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky" that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, - Santa-

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA). It was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride.

Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

My husband and I were invited to a party, and each couple brought a dish. When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it said the recipe was called "Better Than Sex Cake."

After my husband tasted it, he blurted out, "I sure feel sorry for the person who named this dessert."

Bill gets a call from his buddy Doug one day, and Doug is on the phone crying. Bill asks,

"Doug, what's wrong? You sound really upset."

"Well,"replies Doug,"my wife's been cheatin' on me."

"With who?" asks Bill. "The neighbor," replies Doug.

"That damn dirty slut!" says Bill.

"Yeah," replies Doug,

"You think I was upset, you should've heard how upset the neighbor's husband was."

So I went to see my buddy who checked himself into the nuthouse and he didn't look too good all red-eyed and stumbling around.

I said, "You look like shit. What are you on?"

"They've got me on an anti-depressant, a mood stabilizer, some anti-psychotic drug and the occasional ativan."

"They?" I said. "Fuck them, don't take it."

"No, man, I'm feeling better... Hey, TZ" he said pointing to a guy in his thirties, "don't try to shake hands with that guy.
He's some sort of clean freak."

Just then the nurse walked up carrying two hot fudge sundaes.
"One for you and one for your guest," she smiled.

"Oh, no thanks," I said.

"Why not?" she said extending it to me. "It's really good."

"No thanks," I repeated, "crazy might be catchy, and I don't want to catch crazy."

She laughed a little, but the other nurses glared at me.

"They don't like that word here," said the clean freak who had walked up to us.

"Thanks for the tip. My name is TZ," I said extending my hand.

He just stood staring at it.

"Oh, forgive me. Let me wipe the germs off my hand," I said as I reached my hand in front of my crotch to the back of my ass, dragged it back and re-extended it for the greeting.

The guy screamed, my buddy laughed and I was escorted out.

As the giant aircraft carrier was docking after a long tour of sea duty, the ship's captain noticed a sailor on the flight deck sending semaphore messages to an attractive young woman, who answered him back with her own flags. Concerned about security, the captain barked to his bridge signalman, "What message are those two people sending?" The signalman soon reported, "Sir, he is sending 'foxtrot foxtrot' and she is sending 'echo foxtrot'." Without a clue as to what this exchange meant, he dispatched a Marine to bring the sailor to the bridge. The sailor quickly arrived and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!" "Seaman," said the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals with her?" "Sir, that's my wife, Sir. And she wants to eat first!"

A few months after Bill's retirement, his wife was more than ready to get him out of her house. "You need to join a club or get a hobby or something," she said. Bill agreed, and that afternoon he left home. A few hours later, he returned. "Honey, you were right," he said. "I just went down to the corner bar, tipped a few, and hung out with the guys. And guess what? I ended up joining a parachute club!" "Parachute club?! At your age? You did not!" "Yeah, I did it, all right! Here's my membership card." "You old fart! You need glasses. This says you're a member of prostitute club!" "Oh, crap," said Bill. "I signed up for five jumps a week!"

A couple decided they needed to a code word to indicate when they wanted to have sex so their children wouldn't know. They decided on the word "typewriter." Soon, the husband told their young daughter, "Honey, go tell Mommy that Daddy needs to type a letter." She did so and Mom responded, "Tell Daddy that he can't type his letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." She did so. A few days later, Mom told the daughter, "Tell Daddy he can type his letter now." She told him, then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote that letter by hand!"

Children Write About the Sea...

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. ( Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my dad keeps shouting at my mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mom has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the seaside in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boyfriend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of semen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

Socrates (469 - 399 BC) was widely lauded in ancient Greece for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait," replied Socrates. "Before you continue, I want you to ask yourself this: does what I am about to say pass the Triple Test?" "The triple test?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, ask yourself this: Are you absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is the Truth?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard it myself and..." "All right," said Socrates, "so you don't really know if it's true or not. Now ask yourself this: Is what you are about to tell me something Good?" "No, on the contrary..." began his friend. "So, you want to say something bad even though you're not sure it's true?" The embarrassed man shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so." Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is the third test: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you were going to tell me going to be Useful to me?" "Well, I guess not. Not really." "Well, then" concluded Socrates, "if what you want to say is neither True, nor Good, nor Useful, why tell me at all?" The man walked away, defeated and shamed. And this is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in high esteem. And it also explains why Socrates never knew that Plato was banging Mrs. Socrates!

Man: "Can I buy you a whiskey?"

Lady: "No you can't, whiskey is bad for my legs"

Man: "That's a shame, do they swell?"

Lady: "No, they open!"

A six year - old asked his father, "Daddy, what is a transvestite?"
"Go ask your mother, He'll tell you."

The old professor got a job on the railways as a steward one summer, and the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "just use diplomacy."

"What's diplomacy?" asked the old professor, as that was something he'd never needed while teaching.

"Watch me, I'll show you," said the steward-in-charge.

Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"

The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door.

"Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She had no clothes on! But hey, why did you call her 'sir'?"

"That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her," said his tutor.

The old professor was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the bed.

"Tea or coffee, sir?"

"Tea," the man replied.

"And for your brother?"

Little Johnny was in school. He raised his hand and the teacher said, "What is it, Johnny?"

Johnny said, "I've got to go shit, ma'am."

The teacher replied, "Johnny don't ever talk like that in class again next time say number 2."

Johnny says, "Yes, ma'am."

About an hour later Johnny raises his hand again and the teacher says, "What is it now, Johnny?"

Johnny says, "My brother has to go shit, what's his number?"

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies.

A wife interrupted her husband's football game. "Honey, could you fix the hall light? It's been flickering for weeks." He barely looked up. "Fix the light? Now? Do I have 'GE' written on my forehead? I don't think so." A few minutes later, she was back. "Honey, could you fix the refrigerator? The door won't close." He replied, "Fix the refrigerator? Now? Do I have 'Whirlpool' written on my forehead? I don't think so." During the third quarter, she asked, "Honey, could you fix the front steps? They're about to break." "Fix the steps? Now? Do I have 'Home Depot' written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had it. I'm going to the bar!" He did, drank a few hours, got to feeling guilty about how he had treated her, and headed home. He approached the front door and notice the front steps were fixed. He turned on the hall light and it didn't flicker. He went for a beer and the refrigerator door was fixed. He found his wife and asked, "Honey, how'd all this stuff get fixed?" She replied, "When you left, I sat down on the front porch and cried. A nice man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs for me if I would either bake him a cake or sleep with him." "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "Do you see 'Betty Crocker' written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

WARNING!

I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots. Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat and then they both start begging you for a ride home. Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet. I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.

You've been warned! Be careful!

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house."

Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

One day an insurance salesman knocked on a door. A little boy answered the door and the gentleman asked if his mother was home.

The little boy said "No, she is at the whore house."

The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the rush."

The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch."

The little boy said, "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks."

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors: "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"

"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!"

"No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"