Jokes

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called again. Well Rich really wants one of these things. So he decides the next day when he asks he's going to write it down so he remembers what it is.

The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Well, by this time Ernie's getting pretty upset. Every day Rich asks what it is and never remembers so he decides to just make up stuff since Rich isn't going to remember anyway.

So Ernie says, "Dis is a contraceptive."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." And he writes it down.

That night Rich is in the neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, "Can I help you?"

Rich says, "Ya, I'd like a contraceptive."

And the pharmacist says, "Sure, what size?"

Rich says, "Give me da 2 quart size, I'll be working in da hole all day!"

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging a loaf of bread in one hand, and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along comes Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar whining about business. One complained, "If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting a few stools away. He immediately apologized for his language. "That's okay," she replied. "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"

A True Story?

Alarmed, the woman complied, and was greeted by a Delta security agent who informed her that something in her luggage was vibrating. The woman was escorted off of the plane by the security agent and lead to the tarmac next to the plane where her luggage had been placed. The woman explained to the security agent that the vibrating must be from an adult toy she purchased while in Las Vegas.

The security agent, not being satisfied with this representation, made the woman remove the toy from the luggage and hold it up for inspection, in full view of curious passengers looking out the windows of the plane as well as in front of a few Delta ground personnel who, as the complaint alleges, "began laughing hysterically."

The woman was allowed to repack her luggage and return to her seat on the plane. Albeit, a little red faced we're sure.

Little Johnny's family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, and there was a screw-up with the rooms. Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as Little Johnny.

In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!"

Little Johnny moaned: "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, it's three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third, that's MY dick you're holding... not yours."

Sure-fire pick-up lines

"If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?"

"I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag."

"How 'bout we play lion and lion-tamer. You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat."

"You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away."

"You're like a championship bass. I don't know whether to mount you or eat you."

"I'd like to screw your brains out, but it looks like someone beat me to it."

"That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were one, I'd be coming too!"

"I can't find my puppy, could you help me find him? I think he went into this hotel room . . . "

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "An English girl!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you".

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?"

"What I asked for. The English girl?"

"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl."

John and Marie (both unmarried) went to the same Baptist church. Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"

"Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "would you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn.

He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He made a U-turn right then and there, across the median, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John got up first.

He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.

He shook Marie and she woke up.

"Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them............You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, his father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't .... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age -- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?" asked his son.

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

The boy's sister over-heard this, and not to be outdone, she asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of pricks are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his prick is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

A woman is feeling poorly and sends a telegram to her husband ona business trip to come home as soon as possible, "NOT GETTING ANY BETTER.COME HOME."

Imagine the husband's surprise when he received, "NOT GETTING ANY. BETTER COME HOME."

Little Amanpreet asked his wise old uncle about sex and where babies came from.

"Well, Preet, it's like this. The man puts his penis inside the woman and she gets pregnant."

Preet answered, "Oh," but he looked a little worried.

"What's wrong, Preet?" his uncle asked.

"Does the man ever get his penis back?"

Diane was a beautiful girl. As she was walking down the lane one hot summer's day, the heat became so unbearable that she decided to go for a swim. She took off her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank, and dived in.

A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes. It grew dark, and Diane just couldn't stay in the water any longer, so she went to the side of the road and decided to hitch a ride home. Along came Mike, riding a bicycle.

He stopped for Diane. "Come," he said. "I'll drive you into town." She jumped in front of his bicycle seat for the ride.

Mike said nothing, but after ten minutes Diane was so overwhelmed at how cool he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"

"Sure," said Mike. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girl's bicycle?"

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things."

Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did you learn anything interesting today?", his mother asks.

"I learned how to hang a door", Johnny replies. Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?".

"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."

Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!".

Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today."

"All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door."

"Why don't you tell me", Dad asks? "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."

Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard."

Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's the electricians job!"

Little Johnny is riding his tricycle around the living room and stops at the kitchen door.

He states "Everyone who wants to get off the bus, get the fuck off; everyone who wants to get on, get the fuck on."

His mother who is in the kitchen, yells "Young man watch your language."

Johnny rides around the living room. Again he stops and says "everyone who wants to get off, get the fuck off; everyone who wants to get on, get the fuck on."

His mother yells, "Johnny I'm not gonna tell you again."

He quickly rides around the living room again. He stops and says "Everyone who wants to get off the bus, get the fuck off; and everyone who wants to get on, get the fuck on."

His mother quickly and firmly states "That's it, go to your room till I call for you."

Johnny does as he is told. Two hours later his mother realizes that Johnny is in his room. She calls him out. He comes out of his room, gets on his tricycle and rides around the living room.

When he stops he says "Everyone who wants to get of the bus, get the fuck off; everyone who wants to get on, get the fuck on. If anyone has a problem with the two hour delay, well, go see the BITCH in the kitchen."

Q: How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?

A: All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

Euphemisms For Impotence

A few parts shy of an erector set

Not rising to the level of impeachable offense

Disappointing Miss Daisy

Ascension Deficit Disorder

Bouncing the Check of Love

All Doled up with nowhere to go

Serving boneless pork

Two surgeons were hunting one cold winter day and, after a few belts to keep them warm, one proclaimed to the other, "You see that owl asleep up in that tree? I'm such a good surgeon that I can climb that tree and remove his tonsils without waking him up." "Prove it!" Sure enough, he did it. The other surgeon was too competitive to let him get away with that unchallenged so he proclaimed, "I can climb that tree and castrate that owl with waking him up." Another quick nip, up the tree, and sure enough; he did it, too. A week later, the owl was flying along with his buddy. The owl's buddy said, "I'm tired. Let's roost in that tree and take a nap." The first owl replied, "Not me. Ever since the last time I took a nap in that tree, I haven't been able to hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot!"

A Prayer for the Stressed

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And help me be careful of the toes I step on today As they may be attached to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday and
5% on Fridays.

Him: "I woke up with a hard-on this morning, and it had your name written all over it."

Her: "I'm sure my name is far too long to fit the whole thing on your dick."

Him: "Oh, yeah? What's your name?"

Her: "Lu."

A man who says his doctors mangled his cancer treatments is suing for malpractice.

The patient says excessive radiation therapy actually welded his prostate and colon together. He's suing for pain, suffering, and not knowing whether he's coming or going.

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Joan, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary, the younger of the two nuns. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says the older & wiser Sister Joan.

Sister Mary switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Joan. Sister Mary turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary?

"Show him your cross," says Sister Joan.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"

Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"

The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"

And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"

And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"

And Little Johnny replied, "Fucking homework and tests.!!"

Today, twin sisters at St. Luke's Nursing Home were celebrating their one hundredth birthday. The local newspaper sent a photographer to take a picture of the twins. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa near the window. The hard of hearing sister asked her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE WANTS US TO SIT ON THE SOFA," shouted her sister. "Would you please sit closer together?" asked the photographer. "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS TO SQUEEZE TOGETHER." They wriggled closer. "Now hang on while I focus the camera." "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted back, "MY GOD! BOTH OF US?!"

A man goes into a bank and up to the cashier's desk. "Nice tits love, I want to open a FUCKING checking account," the man snarls.

"I beg your pardon, sir?", the startled female teller replies.

"Listen, you dumb bitch, I said I want to open a FUCKING checking account."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't help you if you're going to talk like that."

She leaves the window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear.

The two return and the manager asks, stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no GODDAMN problem!" the man insists. "I just won ten million dollars in the lottery, and I want to open a FUCKING checking account!"

"I see sir," the manager quickly replies, "and this cunt's giving you a hard time, is she?"

Just as he was leaving for work the man's wife told him that there was a leak in the plumbing. He told her to call a plumber and have it fixed.

When he got to work he gave her a call and asked "Has the plumber come yet?"

She replied "Not quite but I've got him breathing hard."

A midget with a speech impediment went to a stable to buy a horse. The owner showed him a nice mare. He walked around her a few times, then asked, "Would you lift me up so I can see her eerth?" The owner did so, he looked in her ears, said OK, and the owner put him down. Then the midget asked, "Would you lift me up so I can see her eyeth?" The owner picked him up again, he looked at her eyes, said OK, and the owner put him down. Then the midget asked, "Would you lift me up so I can see her eeeth?" The owner sighed but picked him up a third time while the midget checked out her teeth. Finally the midget asked, "Now can I see her twat?" Enraged, the owner picked up the midget, shoved him head first into the mare's vagina, waited a while, then pulled him out and set him down. The coughing, sputtering midget declared, "Let me rephrase that: may I see her wun awound a widdle bit, pweeze?"

A young woman goes to Greece for vacation. While on vacation, she meets a man. She calls her mother in America and says, "Mom, I really want to marry him."

Her mother insists on checking his background to see if he's okay. She calls back several days later and says, "We've completed the check. This is definitely Mister Right. He comes from a good family with an impressive background. He owns vineyards and bottles his own wines. You have our blessing to marry him."

After several years, her mother eventually visits her daughter in Greece. Her daughter tells her "I want a divorce."

The mother is surprised at this. She asks "Why? From what you've told me, he doesn't abuse you. He never raises his voice to you. He provides you with everything you've ever asked for. Why could you possibly want a divorce?"

"All he ever wants to do," the daughter says, "is to do me from behind. He butt fucks me. I'm telling you that if he fucked my pussy three times in five months, that's a lot. My butt hole has gone from the size of a dime to the size of a silver dollar."

"But honey," the mothers says, "do you really want to get a divorce over 90 cents?"

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, but he did mind his own fucking business!"

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

Jill had been divorced for a few years and, very lonely, finally consented to going out on a date with John, the gentleman her son fixed her up with.

John picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.

John also had been divorced for a long time and found himself very attracted to Jill, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.

Jill was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I can face my son, knowing that in a time of weakness I sinned twice!"

John said, "What do you mean 'twice'? We only did it once!"

Jill looked at John and said, "Well, we're going to do it again, aren't we?"

I went down to the local K-Mart where they were having a Blue Light Special on Home Cloning Kits.

The instructions? "Go fuck yourself."

A cowgirl married a cowboy. He was a man of the world, while she was an innocent with no experience. On their first night together, they got into bed and started exploring each other's bodies. Things went fine until she asked, "Oh! What's that?" He replied, "Well, darlin', that's ma rope." She slid her hands a little farther down and gasped, "Oh, my! What's that?" "Why, darlin', them's my knots." Finally, they started making love, but after a few minutes, she cried, "Stop." Her panting husband asked proudly, "What's the matter, darlin'? Am I hurtin' ya?" "No," she replied, "I jes' want cha to untie them knots. I need more rope!"

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people are put together like machines? You know, with separate parts you put together?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your local pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone and the TV so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Then, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins:- Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in very small print there is the following statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?"

The fellow's heart started beating faster as he replied, "NO."

She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that
turkeys lay eggs!

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.

The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.

When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around.

As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.

The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"

"So?" said his mother, "Don't fucking give him one."

A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen Glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

A woman who is uncomfortable watching a guy masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

b) Is uptight and a waste of time.

c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.

One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?"

The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking."

The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"

The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon to begin their new life together. But the first morning, he entered the kitchen to find his new bride crying. "What's wrong, honey?" "I wanted to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook." He smiled and said, "There, there! I don't care about that. You come up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I like for breakfast." And off they went. When he hurried home for lunch, he found her in the kitchen, crying again. "Now what's wrong, Sweetie?" "Same as this morning: I can't cook." Again, he smiled and said, "Let's go up to the bedroom and I'll have lunch there!" And off they went again. That evening, when he got home from work, he found his new bride sliding naked down the banister. Then she ran up the stairs and slid down again. After her third roundtrip, he asked, "Honey? What in the hell are you doing?" And she replied, "Warming your supper!"

A man went to his optometrist to have his eyes examined. The doctor told him, "Listen, you've got to stop masturbating."

"Why, Doc?" the man asked, "Am I going blind?"

"No", said the optometrist, "But you're upsetting my other patients."

A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the facilities. The foreman told him he was crazy. By the time he got down and back he'd lose a half hour of time. The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee off. He told the man that they were 30 floors up and that his piss would turn into vapor before it reached the bottom. So the guy decided to take his advice.

Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, allowing the peeing man to fall to his death!

At the inquest an electrician who was working on the 27th floor was asked if he knew what happened. "Not really, but I think it had something to do with sex."

The coroner said, "Sex, why do you think it had something to do with sex?"

The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his cock in his hand screaming, 'Where did that cocksucker go?!?"

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like shit.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

Four oldtimers were playing their weekly game of golf and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a huge diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds !

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game ! I woke up, slapped my wife on the ass and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf!"

Helen said, "Take a sweater ! "

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary, to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for that faucet?'"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300.'"

"My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet.'"

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot .